she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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