i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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