apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
