Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
