Someone shit on the floor
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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