woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
