New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
