I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You are the jesus of drinking
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
