forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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