god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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