The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
