I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
