Just took my morning after pill in the library
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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