Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
