I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
