Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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