Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
