I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
