I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
