I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
