I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
