Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
