ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
