im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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