dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
