Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
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It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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