she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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