I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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