Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
