i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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