how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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