I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
