when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
