the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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