Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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