if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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