she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
