I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Operation Purity has been aborted
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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