threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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