I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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