youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
