It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
