When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
