Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
