i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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