He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
