my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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