Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Don't tell me you're on acid again