I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i am craving dick and cupcakes