Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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