Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
