im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
