I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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