***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
