Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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