I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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